Monday, June 25, 2012

Let Me Take You on a Ride

I was standing here today at the kitchen sink and felt some cramps in my stomach. Of course, the first thing that pops in my head was "Maybe I'm pregnant!".

These kinds of thoughts cross my mind constantly. It's a giant roller coaster of emotions that never ends and I'd like to take you on the ride. Here are plenty of examples so that maybe you can understand a little better.

"Do my boobs look bigger? I don't know. I know they grow when I'm pregnant. Oh maybe this is a sign!"

"Man, my stomach is pouching out a lot more. Maybe it was something I ate. No, I didn't just eat. Gas? No. Getting fatter? Maybe. Oh my gosh! I hope this means I'm preggo!"

"I'm so hormonal today. Am I weepy? Pregnant women usually get weepy. Dang it! I'm not weepy. It's probably just my period coming. I'm always hormonal then. Damn, that sucks."

"I'm craving anything and everything. Just give me food. Pregnant? I hope so!"

"My stomach feels funny. I don't feel so good. Is this morning sickness?! Oh, I hope it is! I mean, I hate morning sickness but if this means I'm pregnant, I could care less."

Pretty bad, huh? There isn't really a feeling or pain in my body that I don't question pregnancy first. And probably the worst of them all...

"Do I feel flutters? Could that be the baby moving? Get a hold of yourself. There is no way you are pregnant much less feeling a baby move!"

Ugh, if only I could just stop thinking like this! But I can't. This whole trying to conceive a baby while dealing with infertility is consuming my whole life. I don't like it. I want it to end and I want it to end now. Even if I get pregnant, I know I'm going to be thinking about if we're going to have to go through this again to get pregnant with the next one. I hate this. Haaaaaaate it. I'm surrounded by pregnant women or women having babies. It's to the point where I just have to look away, pretend I didn't see anything, and try blocking it out of my mind. (Out of sight out of mind, right?) Yeah, I wish.

1 comment:

  1. I haven't ever struggled with infertility, although I am not one of those women that gets pregnant after trying for a month or two either, but I do understand your feelings EXACTLY. It seems like every little thing is a pregnancy symptom and even when I wasn't trying/wanting children I went through the roller coaster checklist over and over. I have always said I should have stock in pregnancy tests with the amount that I've purchased over the past 12 years.


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