Infertility Can Kiss My...

insert explicit word here.

That's where I am right now. You remember me mentioning that we were getting tested on Wednesday to see if we we're pregnant? Well, I'm not.

The first few days after seeing I had five follicles ready to ovulate, I was feeling very hopeful and upbeat about our chances this time. But then it wore off and I started doubting everything. And then the last week I just knew... It was going to be negative.

All my doubts and thoughts were confirmed on Wednesday morning. I started out the morning in an awful mood that just did not get any better. Then, on the car ride up to Tucson, I started to feel cramping in my tummy and pain in my back (the first tell-tale sign that my period has started). Sure enough, I checked in at the dr's and immediately went to the bathroom to discover that I was right. :(

Heartbroken might be a good enough word to describe how I felt. Another month gone, another negative, and another time my body failed me. We went into the exam room and started asking the dr some questions that we've been avoiding. To keep it short, we concluded that a laparoscopy was needed in order to answer for sure if Endometriosis was the problem. Basically, they'll make a small incision in my belly button (of all places), go in and check for Endometriosis, and fix it if needed. I've never had surgery done so I'm a ton bit freaked out.

Meanwhile, the dr told me to take advantage of this month and take Chlomid while we wait for the laparoscopy to be set up.

While we were checking out and setting up the next appt at the front counter, I just couldn't hold back the tears. They started flowing and I couldn't stop them. I had been keeping everything bottled up inside for so long that it just started spilling over uncontrollably. I was looking quite the mess, but I figured if everyone else in the room was there for the same thing, they wouldn't care and probably understood.

I'm OK with the results. Probably because I had a gut feeling that it was negative and therefore already mentally prepared for it.

This Sunday, at church, the Pastor asked if he could pray for Gabe and I. We agreed and even before he called us up to the front of the church, tears were coming. I tried to hold them in (I do not like to cry in front of people) but I just couldn't. So when we were called up, I was sobbing and buried my face in Gabe's chest so I couldn't see anyone else and they couldn't see me. After the service, there were some members of the church (all who we have never spoken to before) came up to us offering words of support and kindness. So sweet! I spent the rest of the day in and out of my crying bouts. I just felt so defeated and worn out. (Holding back tears and then crying them out is tiring!)

What exactly I'm feeling at this moment is hard to describe. There are so many emotions that I go through in a month or even a day. I know most of you don't know how it feels or understand, and that's OK. I'm not expecting everyone to. And I certainly don't expect anyone to pity us, have to say something consoling, or to even care. I just ask for your prayers and your compassion. This is a very touchy subject for me right now. I never thought this would be happening to us and it's so hard to accept. I spent the eight months after Gabe came home in denial. I thought I would be pregnant right away and when that didn't happen, I was surprised. We've been wanting this child for almost three years now. I've had to watch dozens of other women go through pregnancy, childbirth, and taking care of a newborn. Each time, trying to be happy for them and wondering, "When is it my turn?!". I'll be brutally honest, I'm really not happy for them. I'm sorry if that upsets anyone. There are a few people here and there that I am genuinely happy for. Again, it's hard to put into words without sounding so rude and inconsiderate. I don't want people to have to try and hide, keep secret, or shelter me from their pregnancy just because of my infertility. I'm still trying to figure out how to handle others' good news while dealing with my continually bad news. It's a struggle and challenge that I really am trying to solve. Just know that I am trying.

There have been some people who have tried to make me feel better by saying something that they think is helpful, but in reality, that's not the case at all. Don't worry, I'm guilty of the same thing many times. Like telling me "Just be happy that you have two beautiful and healthy children already.". You don't think I'm happy with them?! Of course I'm happy with them! I love them with all my heart but in my heart, I also know that more children are wanted. If you had a car with only two wheels and someone said to you, "Just be happy with the two you have.", would you be satisfied with the two or angry at the person who said that? We are happy with and enjoy our two wonderful kids, but we are not satisfied. We long for more kids. It's just that plain and simple. WE. WANT. ANOTHER. Or two, or three. There are some other things that others have said, but I'm afraid if I go into that, this post will be entirely too long (probably already is).

So there you have it. I just poured out my heart and soul and had a good cry while doing it. For those of you that stuck around until the end, thank you.

Good News!

I ovulated!!!

You thought I was going to say I was pregnant, didn't you?

Well, I'm not... yet. :) I ovulated which is a GOOD thing because I'd have been really po'd if those five follicles had gone to waste!

Anyone who has gone through the infertility process understands and knows what I'm talking about. How with each blood test, you're hoping for the best only to receive bad news. Or how much of your life it actually consumes and revolves around. (I'm probably thinking about it every waking hour of the day.) Seriously, I am. And who would have thought you would ever need to pay this much attention to your cycle?!?!  Also, how much money it costs! That's the big one. People who haven't experienced this have no idea how much treatments, dr appts, Chlomid or other pills, lab tests, gas to drive 1 1/2 hours each way (for me, at least), and I'm sure I've forgotten something else. I can tell you... it's not cheap!

But in the end, we know that it will be worth it. We've saved up some money for this so at least that's one less stress in my life.

My parents get into town on Saturday (YAY!) so they'll be here when I go to the dr for a pregnancy test! AHH! The wait is going to kill me! Good thing my parents should be a good distraction.

Everybody, please send prayers and good luck! Keep your fingers and toes crossed!

This is what I've been waiting 2 1/2 years to see!

Now, we wait.

So, this past month, after trying a double dose of Chlomid and that not working, we had to do it again. This time with a TRIPLE dose. Yup, triple. That's three pills a day, for five days. Mind you, it only took a half dose to get pregnant with Alena. It wasn't pretty. Hormones were raging and making life very stressful for us all.

I went to the dr's on Tuesday where they did an ultrasound to see if the pills produced any follicles. Um, I had FIVE! Five follicles, meaning a chance of five eggs! We have to be successful with at least one egg, right? I sure hope so because I don't think I could handle a QUADRUPLE dose of that stuff. (I know Gabe couldn't either.) They also gave me the Ovidrel shot that is supposed to induce ovulation within 36 hours.

And now we have the long two week wait until we find out if we're pregnant. The waiting is the worst. Wondering if you did enough, if you "tried" enough, feeling guilty for not taking your prenatals every day, etc, etc. Just generally stressing about everything!

I'm feeling extra pressure because Gabe has a business trip. He left at 330 this morning so we had only two nights to try. Almost exactly 36 hours from the time they gave me the shot on Tuesday. That didn't give us a whole lot of time to try!

We're hoping and praying and that's all we can really do at this point. I was feeling highly optimistic (which is the opposite of what I've been feeling lately) up until Tuesday. Now I'm just a nervous wreck.

Also, we've started getting the bills for all these dr visits... and it's not cheap. Our insurance doesn't cover anything billed as infertility so we're pretty much paying 100% out of pocket. That puts even more pressure on us to get pregnant. Can you imagine if I had to go through this for another 6 months?! We'd be practically broke. There's only so much more time that we're going to keep trying before we've had enough and need to stop. We're trying to avoid doing an IUI, artificial insemination, or *gulp* IVF. For one, we just can't afford to be spending that much. And another, we're trying to conceive as naturally as possible. And I use the word naturally loosely because I know it's not 100% natural when it took medication in order to get pregnant. You know what I mean, right?

So that's where we are now. Waiting... and waiting, and waiting. :)

Will this be our month?!

FYI, this is another TMI kind of post...

As I'm sure you're all well aware, Gabe and I are trying to get pregnant. And we've been seeing drs in Tucson for the past 6 weeks getting all kinds of prescriptions, blood tests, and ultrasounds just to get my body to do what it's supposed to do.

Well I took my pills to start my period (which seemed to take FOREVER to come), then some Chlomid to get my ovaries to produce some eggs, and now Ovidrel to "induce" ovulation. Let me tell you, that many hormones one after another have done QUITE a number on my small body! Mood swings, hot flashes, cramps, not sleeping well, and now my allergies are starting to act up. UGH!

Anyway, my point of this post is to inform you that I have been injected (got a shot right in my tummy) with Ovidrel and the least graphic way of saying it is... It's go time! haha (tmi maybe?) I know most of you have already read my post on Facebook and know this, but just in case there are a few random people out there not on my Facebook who read my blog, I'm letting them know. :)

I go back to the drs next Thursday for a blood test that will determine if the injection did make me ovulate and drop an egg. If so, the following week I return for a pregnancy test! And then their work is done and my "work" begins!

Gosh, I'm SO nervous! I don't know why, I've been through two pregnancies before but this one is different. It's taken MUCH longer to get pregnant and we want it soooo bad. I just feel so much pressure right now. Like we HAVE to get it right. I need to relax and really practice patience now. Maybe I'll use my spa gift certificate Gabe got me for Valentine's Day and get a nice loooong massage. That should calm me down for about a day, right? hah!

Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers that this will be it and we never have to go through this again!