Monday, January 23, 2012

I'm Late

Warning: This may be a TMI kind of post. :)

So I'm late... for my period. Not sure what this means either. For the past eight months, only once has it been late and I was SURE that that would be THE month I was pregnant. Wrong! So now when I actually want my period to come (so I can take the chlomid), it doesn't come! Well, at least not yet. I'm kind of hoping I'm actually pregnant (yay!) or that this will jinx my body into starting (one can only hope).

I took a pregnancy test Saturday morning and it was negative. :( I should have had my period at least 2-3 days ago. (I did say it might be TMI) And now my face suddenly decided to break out like a teenager going through puberty. And it only does that when I'm pregnant! The past few days I've had pain from the back of what feels like my hip bone on my right side down to my knee. My mom says it sounds like a problem with my sciatic nerve which I have heard some pregnant women get. (just the pain I need :/ ) Also, and this could just be my imagination running wild with the thought of being pregnant, I could swear my stomach's been acting loopy today.

If I am pregnant, we would be THRILLED of course. But if I'm not, I would like to body to kindly get it's butt in gear and just start my darn cycle already!!! I have to go back to the dr in Tucson on Thursday and I thought I would be done with my period and on the Chlomid by the time I went back. Looks like that's not happening.

AAAARRRRGGGHHH!!! I just want this to be over so I don't have to constantly question what is going on and IF this will be the magic month. I could have a stomach ache and the first thought in my head is, "Maybe I'm pregnant and this is morning sickness.". Come on! I'm psyching myself out month after month and I'm just plain sick of it.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Worth it Wednesday (on Thursday)

This week's Worth it Wednesday comes from last Thursday. I know you're all sick of hearing about it by now, but it's a big deal to our family.

Last Thursday's dr appt gave us hope that there would be a new baby joining our family soon. I have asked (in my head) when people utilize the help of drs in order to get pregnant, is it really worth all the time, effort, and money just for another kid?

We may not have spent a ton of money (thank God), but we've put in a lot of time and a lot of effort for our soon to be child. I can honestly say that yes, it is worth it. When you're holding your precious miracle in your arms for the first time, it's love a first sight. The joy a child can bring will make all it took to get him or her seem like nothing. I have always heard people say that despite their horrible pregnancy, birth, or anything else, it was worth it for their own child. I completely agree. :)

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Big Sigh of Relief

So I posted this earlier in the week venting my frustration over our infertility issues. My, how the tables have turned!

Thursday, Gabe and I made the trek up to Tucson to see a fertility specialist. I was fine until the morning of the appointment when I was a NERVOUS WRECK. We've been through it before but there were so many more emotions this time.

We get to the drs and my first impression of him was... "Ok, he doesn't look like what I was expecting (I don't even know what I was expecting!) but he seems nice.". And lucky for us, he was! In fact, he spent probably a good twenty minutes or so with us asking questions and explaining things to us.

Gabe and I were extremely happy that he never even mentioned artificial insemination or in vitro. Those are two things we do not want to do.

He then did an ultrasound to check out my uterus and ovaries. Everything seemed normal except something about my uterus wall being thinner that it should be at that point in my cycle. They also did a blood test on me (NOT FUN) and then had to test Gabe's swimmers (TMI?). He gave us a prescription to Chlomid , released us, and told us we should have the test results by the end of the day.

Thankfully, they called us just two hours later with the results! Gabe tested excellent (He was EXTREMELY happy about that)! I however, was told that I had not ovulated this month despite our at home ovulation tests saying I did. :( Turns out, I have the LH hormone every month, just not the egg. It was pretty devastating to hear but we were relieved that it's a simple fix.

Now I'm feeling relief that at this time next month, I could be pregnant! But at the same time, I'm feeling upset because I waited so long to go to the dr. I had expected to get pregnant right away like we did with Christian when Gabe came home from Afghanistan. In July, I was certain that I was going to get pregnant that month. Since then, that's the same thing I've been telling myself every month. The ovulation tests I was taking were showing that I was ovulating even though I really wasn't. Money down the drain is what that was! I knew I should have gone to the drs but I'm just so darn stubborn and like to do things myself. Well, we see where that got us! A whole 7 1/2 months WASTED of not getting pregnant!! I could be in my third trimester by now if I had gone right away! Ughhhh, I know I shouldn't blame myself and be getting this upset, but we REALLY REALLY didn't want our kids this far apart in age. No more than 2-3 years was our max. Now we're looking at 4+ years. I could kick myself!

I'll try to end this on a positive note though.... If we're lucky and the Chlomid works on the first try, I will be pregnant VERY soon and be due at the end of October!!!! Seriously, when I think of it, I get soooo giddy and can't stop smiling.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Worth It Wednesday

So I've seen a lot of other blogs do a weekly themed post and the most common one is "Wordless Wednesday" where it's just pictures. Well, I liked the idea. However, I can't seem to do anything without talking or writing so my "Wordless Wednesday" would turn into "Wordy Wednesday". haha

I came up with something a little more meaningful to me. WORTH IT WEDNESDAY. There's usually a point in every adult/parent's day or week where we ask ourselves what the heck we're doing, why, and is it really worth it. (you do, don't you?!) Please tell me I'm not the only one! Anyway, these posts will be the answer to those questions of mine.

Today's Worth It Wednesday post came to me on Sunday. I help out in the children's' nursery with the babies up to a year old. Usually there are only one or two. This Wednesday however, The toddler class did not have anyone to watch them. I only had one baby and there were only three toddlers (one of which was mine) so I took over for them. Four kids, no problem.

HAH! Right from the get-go a two year old was crying so I held him. Five minutes later as one toddler finished crying, I was brought another 11 month old baby. She started crying! Then I was holding her. I distracted them with snack time when I was brought a SIXTH child! AHHH... was what had started to go through my head. He usually cries immediately but something or someone was watching over me today and the boy remained calm! But sure enough, just as snack time was ending, he started to lose it. I knew I needed help so the preschool teacher went to get his mother. Down to five kids again, everything was going good (as good as it can with 5 kids ranging from 9m - 3 yrs old).

Well wouldn't you know it, another child was brought in! Church was nearing the end and the kids started getting restless, tired, and cranky. I thought for sure I was going to start panicking. I don't know what it was and can't even explain it, but my mind stay completely calm and sane! Usually at this point when I'm watching kids and more than one start getting cranky and hanging on me (we're talking three kids in my lap at once!), I start screaming in my head! lol Today was different though. I took it all in stride and just went with it. None of the kids were downright hollering or anything like that, but they definitely didn't want cooped up anymore. Thankfully, my own child didn't seem to care or notice what any of the others were doing.

Looking back now, I'm wondering if it was some sort of sign. I have doubted myself occasionally if I can handle another kid in our family. I mean, I can't stand it if both my kids are crying at once. It was like something hit me and I realized that YES, I CAN handle more! So when I start questioning myself while the kids are at each others throats, I can look back on this and remind myself that this too shall pass and it is so worth it. :)

THESE moments make it worth it!

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

My Dearest Alena

My Dearest Alena,

   Today you turn five years old! Happy Birthday! You are so excited to turn five because you are no longer a little girl and this means you can go to kindergarten next school year. Mommy doesn't like it so much because four still seems small but five...? Five just seems so BIG! Plus, you're starting to make mommy feel old. :) You do not like hearing the words Alena, little, and baby in the same sentence. You're taking being five years old so seriously.

We got you a guitar for your birthday after you begged for one when Christian and I got one for our birthdays. Daddy has a few too and you wanted one so we could be a guitar playing family. You love your pink princess guitar and are strumming it gleefully!

You've done and learned so much this past year! You have shown how strong and patient you can be when waiting for daddy to come home from Iraq. You started gymnastics and like it. I can see your athletic ability start to come out and mommy loves it! I think your biggest accomplishment this past year was starting preschool. I can't believe how much you have learned! I love watching you write, spell, and just recently, READ some words!!! I am truly amazed when I see you do these things and can almost not contain my excitement or emotions.

Alena, you have such a wonderful imagination! I love to watch you play because you're so funny. You can always make daddy and I laugh. I hope you never lose your sense of humor. Speaking of humor... you love to make up your own jokes and sometimes, they make sense and are so funny!

You are also just getting into playing with Barbies. You like to dress them into many different outfits. And your mind is so creative! Daddy thinks this is the best thing about you. You can get out all your craft supplies and come up with so many great projects, all on your own. I hope you always use this creativity because it will come in handy when you have kids of your own.

Your vocabulary is rapidly expanding and you are always trying to use bigger and bigger words. Sometimes you use them correctly and sometimes not. But keep practicing!

Alena, you are turning into such a wonderful young lady. You have started to habitually use your manners. Your Sunday school teacher told me this week that you were to only student to thank her for giving you a snack. That made me SO PROUD! And then yesterday in the car, you gave Christian the rest of your snack just to be nice. Another proud mommy moment!

Sometimes however, you can seem like a real Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. You can turn from sweet and caring to mean and spiteful in a split second! Many times it's directed at Christian. We really need to work on that this year. But I know you truly love your brother. Just last night, you guys wanted to sleep in the same room and cried when mommy wouldn't let you.

I know you don't like many of our decisions but when you are grown and have kids of your own, you will greater understand why mommy and daddy made some of the decisions we have. There are so many things you don't understand when you are this young that you will only understand once you have kids of your own. (and I do hope you someday have kids of your own)

Alena, you are such an amazing child. I hope you never lose who you are and always follow your dreams. Mommy and daddy love you soooo much! You will always have us to be there for you and support you.

Our wall of guitars

The happy birthday girl!

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Praying for a Miracle

As I'm sure you're all well aware, Gabe and I have been trying to get pregnant. Obviously, it hasn't happened yet. :(

We're starting to get desperate. That may even be putting it lightly. If we had it our way, we would've had a baby almost a year ago and would be starting to think about trying for #4. Since that hasn't happened, we're having to start thinking of other ways to get pregnant than the "normal" way (tracking ovulation, timing sex, waiting, and testing). No, we've been reduced to having to ask for help.

Yup, that's right. ASK for help. This coming Thursday, the 12th, we're heading to Tucson for some tests. Hopefully, that will help clear up why we're not pregnant and then we can go onto the second step... getting pregnant with the help of drs.

We had to ask for help in getting pregnant with Alena because I never naturally ovulated. I was given Chlomid and boom, a month later I was pregnant! This time however, I DO naturally ovulate and even have regular periods (you really wanted to know that, right?).

We have so many worries about what could be wrong with us or if it's something that we're doing or not doing. So, so frustrating to be in this situation. I could not stand to be those people who try and try for years and years. It. Would. Kill. Me.

Also, (and please don't be offended if you fit into this category) seeing pregnant women EVERYWHERE is just about killing me. Even friends who are pregnant, whether from trying or not. But the ones who don't try and it "just happened" are the ones that REALLY get me! Miss Fertile Myrtles is what I like to refer to them as. And this sounds bad, but the preggos that have just had a baby get to me to. It puts more stress on me than I need right now and it is in part. jealousy too. I have debated a few times about segregating myself from the ones pregnant and/or ones with newborns. Just so I can focus on what we need right now and to get away from some of the stress. That sounds so harsh and I'm sorry, but I'm tired. Tired of trying and not succeeding when it should NOT be this HARD. I'm starting to lose the ability to hold my tongue on certain "hot-button" topics for me. (pregnancy, labor, and breastfeeding being the top 3)

So this is your warning... If I snap and lose my temper or say some things that I should not be saying, I'm sorry. That is my frustration talking and please try to forgive me, OK?