Dear Baby

Before you were even conceived, you were loved, dear baby.

You were so badly wanted and mommy and daddy tried very hard to have you.

We would have done almost anything to get you.

And now that you are here in mommy's belly, we are still thanking the Lord for blessing us.

You are truly a miracle, little one. 

For you were almost gone before we knew you were in there.

Many tears have been shed for you.
Tears of sadness, heartbreak, joy, happiness, and love.
You are a dream come true, dear baby.
I wonder what you will look like.
I wonder what you will act like and how you will behave.
I love feeling you kick, sweet baby.
You are so strong already.
You're a very active little baby and mommy loves it.
Your daddy, sister, and brother have felt you move too.
We are all so excited to meet you, little one.
We can't wait to see when you come and how you come.
Mommy is hoping you take it easy on her.
We wonder if you are a boy or a girl.
You will be loved either way, dear baby.
You mean so much to us already and don't even know it.
You are the answer to our prayers.
Dear baby, we would go through it all again for you.

After three years of wanting,
countless tears shed,
seven months of fertility treatments,
thousands of dollars spent,
many prayers prayed,
wishing on every star,
and finally a positive pregnancy test,
you are here and we will never let you go, dear baby.


“We prayed for this child and the Lord has granted us what we asked of Him.”  – I Samuel 1:27

Three Years in the Making

God has answered our prayers! After three years of wanting this child and 7 months of fertility treatments, we are FINALLY pregnant!

Obviously, we are overjoyed and quite frankly, still in complete shock. This baby is truly a miracle.

I was supposed to have surgery on July 27th where they would be putting a scope into my stomach to try and see if there are problems, and if possible, fix them then and there. They would also have put a scope UP into my uterus to see if there are problems in there. If they would have done any of those procedures, the baby would not have survived.

I was having pain/cramping/soreness/tenderness basically since conception and just felt like this might be it. I told Gabe and we both agreed that I've thought this MANY times before and it was always negative. But I just couldn't shake this feeling. There was one day where I was peeing all the time, and I was also feeling as if my stomach was stretching. Still, I tried (didn't succeed though) not to think about it so when my period came, I wouldn't be so upset.

I went in on July 20th for some pre surgery testing. They had lab orders to do a urine pregnancy test. I knew when I ovulated and told them that IF I was pregnant, the urine test would show negative because it's still too early and I needed them to do a blood test. They told me they only have orders to do a urine test, so that's all they could do. Well, I wasn't having it. I drove over to my fertility Dr and demanded politely asked for a lab order for a pregnancy blood test.

I got the new order and after talking with the nurse, we decided that my best option would be to have the test taken on Tuesday of the following week (3 days before the surgery) because that would the day of my missed period and so they could have the results on Wednesday and be able to give the hospital enough notice to cancel the surgery if it turned up positive.

I used all the will power I had to wait to take an at home pregnancy test until Monday morning. I should have waited longer because that was negative. I didn't learn my lesson because come Tuesday morning, I took another one. This time, I could have sworn I saw the faintest second line but was still trying not to overreact. Of course, Wednesday morning I took another test. This time, there was definitely a second line, still fairly light though. Gabe and I looked at each other and just smiled. We wanted it so badly but knew we still had to hear the results of the blood test.

It felt like the longest day ever having to wait for the phone call from the dr with either good or bad news. I couldn't hold out any longer and called them at 11am. No luck, they took a message and said they would call. Gabe came home for lunch and asked me to take another test. I did and there was barely even a trace of that second line. UGH! We just couldn't wait any longer. I called the Dr's office again and asked if the results were in.

They were! And guess what?! It was positive!!! I am pregnant. It still feels surreal. I mean, we've waited for this moment for so long, that now that it's here, I don't know how to react! I have so many emotions (all good!) running through me right now. Sometimes, I have to pinch myself to make sure I'm not dreaming. This is real. This is real. THIS IS REAL! I'm really pregnant. There is actually a baby in there!

Just a few of the tests I've taken so far. These were the early tests that didn't show up very good.

We told the kids right away and they were excited too. They're constantly kissing my belly, hugging it, talking about their new baby brother/sister. They kiss the baby and tell him/her goodnight. I just want to cry with all the love and excitement our family is sharing right now. Christian is convinced I'm having a boy AND a girl. Alena says just a girl. Gabe wants twins and I have no idea.

I feel like I'm already growing (which makes me think twins), my boobs are sore, and I have some cramping/soreness in my stomach. But other than that, I wouldn't even notice I'm pregnant. I'll be 6 weeks this Wednesday and I'll update everyone then. Also, I have an appt Tuesday and HOPEFULLY they can tell us if there is more than one baby in there. They're also doing another blood to make sure my numbers are going up like they should. I will give you a complete update on all that for my 6 week Belly Bump post.

5 weeks

 Stayed tuned!!!!

Let Me Take You on a Ride

I was standing here today at the kitchen sink and felt some cramps in my stomach. Of course, the first thing that pops in my head was "Maybe I'm pregnant!".

These kinds of thoughts cross my mind constantly. It's a giant roller coaster of emotions that never ends and I'd like to take you on the ride. Here are plenty of examples so that maybe you can understand a little better.

"Do my boobs look bigger? I don't know. I know they grow when I'm pregnant. Oh maybe this is a sign!"

"Man, my stomach is pouching out a lot more. Maybe it was something I ate. No, I didn't just eat. Gas? No. Getting fatter? Maybe. Oh my gosh! I hope this means I'm preggo!"

"I'm so hormonal today. Am I weepy? Pregnant women usually get weepy. Dang it! I'm not weepy. It's probably just my period coming. I'm always hormonal then. Damn, that sucks."

"I'm craving anything and everything. Just give me food. Pregnant? I hope so!"

"My stomach feels funny. I don't feel so good. Is this morning sickness?! Oh, I hope it is! I mean, I hate morning sickness but if this means I'm pregnant, I could care less."

Pretty bad, huh? There isn't really a feeling or pain in my body that I don't question pregnancy first. And probably the worst of them all...

"Do I feel flutters? Could that be the baby moving? Get a hold of yourself. There is no way you are pregnant much less feeling a baby move!"


Ugh, if only I could just stop thinking like this! But I can't. This whole trying to conceive a baby while dealing with infertility is consuming my whole life. I don't like it. I want it to end and I want it to end now. Even if I get pregnant, I know I'm going to be thinking about if we're going to have to go through this again to get pregnant with the next one. I hate this. Haaaaaaate it. I'm surrounded by pregnant women or women having babies. It's to the point where I just have to look away, pretend I didn't see anything, and try blocking it out of my mind. (Out of sight out of mind, right?) Yeah, I wish.

In Good Company

The kids have been taking swim lessons for three weeks now and I was happy to discover that I had a friend who's son was in the class following ours so we had a few minutes to talk before our class ended and theirs started.

Why am I so excited about that? Well, she is also going to the same fertility specialist as I am. It was a fantastic outlet for me to speak with someone going through the same thing at the same time. I know Gabe gets fed up when I talk too much about our whole situation because I'll admit, I talk a lot about it.

This past swim session has been even better because not only is my friend there for the same class time, but there's another woman also seeing the same fertility specialist! It's so nice to be able to talk to others who understand what it's like. All three of us have completely different fertility problems, yet we all want the same thing. A baby.

I've been learning a lot from our discussions and they have helped ease my mind (a little) about the laparoscopy surgery. By the way, I have a date for the surgery! July 27th. I would have liked it sooner to get it over with, but our schedules won't allow it. We're leaving for vacation at the end of this month for two weeks, and Gabe has a business trip the following week. Ugh!

I am both excited and freaking out  nervous about the surgery. I am excited because we can finally have some answers as to what is going on. I'm actually hoping they find something and can fix it then and there. I'm nervous because this is surgery. I don't like the idea of being cut open, even if the incisions are small.

This is the final week for swim class and I'll be sad not sitting there every day discussing everything fertility related. It almost makes me want to sign the kids up again just to be able to be in their company again. But we just have too much going on right now. I guess that means I'll just have to invite them both over so the kids can play (we all have 5 year olds!).

Infertility Can Kiss My...

insert explicit word here.

That's where I am right now. You remember me mentioning that we were getting tested on Wednesday to see if we we're pregnant? Well, I'm not.

The first few days after seeing I had five follicles ready to ovulate, I was feeling very hopeful and upbeat about our chances this time. But then it wore off and I started doubting everything. And then the last week I just knew... It was going to be negative.

All my doubts and thoughts were confirmed on Wednesday morning. I started out the morning in an awful mood that just did not get any better. Then, on the car ride up to Tucson, I started to feel cramping in my tummy and pain in my back (the first tell-tale sign that my period has started). Sure enough, I checked in at the dr's and immediately went to the bathroom to discover that I was right. :(

Heartbroken might be a good enough word to describe how I felt. Another month gone, another negative, and another time my body failed me. We went into the exam room and started asking the dr some questions that we've been avoiding. To keep it short, we concluded that a laparoscopy was needed in order to answer for sure if Endometriosis was the problem. Basically, they'll make a small incision in my belly button (of all places), go in and check for Endometriosis, and fix it if needed. I've never had surgery done so I'm a ton bit freaked out.

Meanwhile, the dr told me to take advantage of this month and take Chlomid while we wait for the laparoscopy to be set up.

While we were checking out and setting up the next appt at the front counter, I just couldn't hold back the tears. They started flowing and I couldn't stop them. I had been keeping everything bottled up inside for so long that it just started spilling over uncontrollably. I was looking quite the mess, but I figured if everyone else in the room was there for the same thing, they wouldn't care and probably understood.

I'm OK with the results. Probably because I had a gut feeling that it was negative and therefore already mentally prepared for it.

This Sunday, at church, the Pastor asked if he could pray for Gabe and I. We agreed and even before he called us up to the front of the church, tears were coming. I tried to hold them in (I do not like to cry in front of people) but I just couldn't. So when we were called up, I was sobbing and buried my face in Gabe's chest so I couldn't see anyone else and they couldn't see me. After the service, there were some members of the church (all who we have never spoken to before) came up to us offering words of support and kindness. So sweet! I spent the rest of the day in and out of my crying bouts. I just felt so defeated and worn out. (Holding back tears and then crying them out is tiring!)

What exactly I'm feeling at this moment is hard to describe. There are so many emotions that I go through in a month or even a day. I know most of you don't know how it feels or understand, and that's OK. I'm not expecting everyone to. And I certainly don't expect anyone to pity us, have to say something consoling, or to even care. I just ask for your prayers and your compassion. This is a very touchy subject for me right now. I never thought this would be happening to us and it's so hard to accept. I spent the eight months after Gabe came home in denial. I thought I would be pregnant right away and when that didn't happen, I was surprised. We've been wanting this child for almost three years now. I've had to watch dozens of other women go through pregnancy, childbirth, and taking care of a newborn. Each time, trying to be happy for them and wondering, "When is it my turn?!". I'll be brutally honest, I'm really not happy for them. I'm sorry if that upsets anyone. There are a few people here and there that I am genuinely happy for. Again, it's hard to put into words without sounding so rude and inconsiderate. I don't want people to have to try and hide, keep secret, or shelter me from their pregnancy just because of my infertility. I'm still trying to figure out how to handle others' good news while dealing with my continually bad news. It's a struggle and challenge that I really am trying to solve. Just know that I am trying.

There have been some people who have tried to make me feel better by saying something that they think is helpful, but in reality, that's not the case at all. Don't worry, I'm guilty of the same thing many times. Like telling me "Just be happy that you have two beautiful and healthy children already.". You don't think I'm happy with them?! Of course I'm happy with them! I love them with all my heart but in my heart, I also know that more children are wanted. If you had a car with only two wheels and someone said to you, "Just be happy with the two you have.", would you be satisfied with the two or angry at the person who said that? We are happy with and enjoy our two wonderful kids, but we are not satisfied. We long for more kids. It's just that plain and simple. WE. WANT. ANOTHER. Or two, or three. There are some other things that others have said, but I'm afraid if I go into that, this post will be entirely too long (probably already is).

So there you have it. I just poured out my heart and soul and had a good cry while doing it. For those of you that stuck around until the end, thank you.

Good News!

I ovulated!!!

You thought I was going to say I was pregnant, didn't you?

Well, I'm not... yet. :) I ovulated which is a GOOD thing because I'd have been really po'd if those five follicles had gone to waste!

Anyone who has gone through the infertility process understands and knows what I'm talking about. How with each blood test, you're hoping for the best only to receive bad news. Or how much of your life it actually consumes and revolves around. (I'm probably thinking about it every waking hour of the day.) Seriously, I am. And who would have thought you would ever need to pay this much attention to your cycle?!?!  Also, how much money it costs! That's the big one. People who haven't experienced this have no idea how much treatments, dr appts, Chlomid or other pills, lab tests, gas to drive 1 1/2 hours each way (for me, at least), and I'm sure I've forgotten something else. I can tell you... it's not cheap!

But in the end, we know that it will be worth it. We've saved up some money for this so at least that's one less stress in my life.

My parents get into town on Saturday (YAY!) so they'll be here when I go to the dr for a pregnancy test! AHH! The wait is going to kill me! Good thing my parents should be a good distraction.

Everybody, please send prayers and good luck! Keep your fingers and toes crossed!

This is what I've been waiting 2 1/2 years to see!

Now, we wait.

So, this past month, after trying a double dose of Chlomid and that not working, we had to do it again. This time with a TRIPLE dose. Yup, triple. That's three pills a day, for five days. Mind you, it only took a half dose to get pregnant with Alena. It wasn't pretty. Hormones were raging and making life very stressful for us all.

I went to the dr's on Tuesday where they did an ultrasound to see if the pills produced any follicles. Um, I had FIVE! Five follicles, meaning a chance of five eggs! We have to be successful with at least one egg, right? I sure hope so because I don't think I could handle a QUADRUPLE dose of that stuff. (I know Gabe couldn't either.) They also gave me the Ovidrel shot that is supposed to induce ovulation within 36 hours.

And now we have the long two week wait until we find out if we're pregnant. The waiting is the worst. Wondering if you did enough, if you "tried" enough, feeling guilty for not taking your prenatals every day, etc, etc. Just generally stressing about everything!

I'm feeling extra pressure because Gabe has a business trip. He left at 330 this morning so we had only two nights to try. Almost exactly 36 hours from the time they gave me the shot on Tuesday. That didn't give us a whole lot of time to try!

We're hoping and praying and that's all we can really do at this point. I was feeling highly optimistic (which is the opposite of what I've been feeling lately) up until Tuesday. Now I'm just a nervous wreck.

Also, we've started getting the bills for all these dr visits... and it's not cheap. Our insurance doesn't cover anything billed as infertility so we're pretty much paying 100% out of pocket. That puts even more pressure on us to get pregnant. Can you imagine if I had to go through this for another 6 months?! We'd be practically broke. There's only so much more time that we're going to keep trying before we've had enough and need to stop. We're trying to avoid doing an IUI, artificial insemination, or *gulp* IVF. For one, we just can't afford to be spending that much. And another, we're trying to conceive as naturally as possible. And I use the word naturally loosely because I know it's not 100% natural when it took medication in order to get pregnant. You know what I mean, right?

So that's where we are now. Waiting... and waiting, and waiting. :)

God's Timing

My poor neglected blog!!! I should have been keeping up to date with stuff but it's just been crazy and I needed a break.

(Note: This blog post is written by my emotions. Take it with a grain of salt.)

We are still not pregnant, still trying to get pregnant, and almost out of hope.

I went two months ago and took a dose of Chlomid, had several eggs, but none fertilized. This month we tried a DOUBLE dose. I went in for an ultrasound this morning and nothing. There were a couple of folicles, but way too small. The nurse said they might just be taking their time to mature but the look on her face said to me, "It's not going to happen this month.". She also mentioned about doing Intrauterine insemination (IUI). It only increases your chance by 5% and with us paying out of pocket, we can't afford to pay that much for just a slightly better chance.


(Now, please don't take offense to this next part.)


I understand everyone's comments are coming from a good place and they all mean well and I appreciate the support, I really do. I just can't help my hormones and emotions when I get all the comments of "Its all in God's timing.".


I understand all that, but what about MY timing?! I think waiting for God's timing for 2 1/2 YEARS has been long enough. We had a plan of how many kids we wanted and how close we wanted them. The entire plan has been thrown out the window and we are scrambling to try and come up with another plan we can be happy with. It's not working. If we get pregnant, that's great. But what about having another kid after that? I can't go through another 2+ years of this again.


We just asked ourselves, "What if we can't have more than two?". That's not something I can even think about or want to think about. It's just not an option right now. We're not giving up just yet, but each month that goes by, I want to try less and less.


If I could go back to 2009 and see the future, Gabe would not have gone to Iraq until I was pregnant. Christian was only 13 months when Gabe left so I wasn't super worried about not getting pregnant because I was so sure we would get pregnant on his R&R. It didn't happen and I was soooo sure again that I would get pregnant right after he got home and it would be ok. Well, it's been almost a year and it's not ok anymore.


For anyone who thinks they will be able to get pregnant on the first try or those of you who are wanting to wait to try for a first, second, third, and so on... DON'T!  You may not be able to later on. Just do it.


I'm getting increasingly annoyed at anyone (friends or not) who are getting pregnant at the drop of a hat. Jealousy is a horrible thing, and controlling it is a battle that I am constantly losing. I don't want people to feel sorry for me and I don't want pity. What I want is a baby. MY baby. That's it. 

There are so many people out there that don't even want one, but yet there they are, oops, it just happened. STFU! Come on God! Really?!? Patience for "God's timing" is long gone by now.

I Know You All Want to Know

If you've been keeping up with the blog at all, you know we've been trying to get pregnant. And you probably know that we've been having fertility problems and I've been seeing a specialist about it.

This was our first month of trying to get pregnant using fertility meds. We had to go through this with trying to get pregnant with Alena and it worked on the first try. There is only a 25% chance of getting pregnant each month, even with the help of meds, but we were still optimistic that it would happen for us.

Many of you know that I have large cysts on my ovaries. They have been causing me pain and I finally had to go to the dr because of it. What most of you don't know is that I went last Friday and they did an ultrasound and then a blood test to see if I was pregnant. I got a call back (after literally waiting ALL day for the results!) and the dr informed me that it looked slightly positive (!!!) but not to get overly excited because it is still extremely early (I'm not even late for my period yet). Well, of course I was happy to hear that and I tried not to get excited about it over the weekend.

(little tmi here)
Well, come Saturday, as I was getting ready for bed, I noticed my boobs had grown in size (see, tmi). Well, there's very few reasons why that happens for me and pregnancy is one of them. I had it in my mind then and there that I was pregnant.

So come Monday morning and I'm back on my way to the dr. I was much calmer than I should have been and barely nervous. They did another ultrasound and another blood test (those are really getting old). Waited AGAIN all day for the results...

Negative. 

The one word we dreaded hearing. This 2 1/2 year nightmare of trying just continues. I'm rather calm and collected considering the heartbreaking news. Maybe I'm still in denial, hoping and praying that it isn't true and the test was wrong. I won't believe until my period comes to break my heart.


PS - I wrote this blog post on Monday night and now on Tuesday afternoon, I'm editing it. I got my period. :( And I cried about it. I can't be in denial anymore and any hope I had that it could still be positive is gone. Now we continue to try and I start another round of Chlomid.

Will this be our month?!

FYI, this is another TMI kind of post...

As I'm sure you're all well aware, Gabe and I are trying to get pregnant. And we've been seeing drs in Tucson for the past 6 weeks getting all kinds of prescriptions, blood tests, and ultrasounds just to get my body to do what it's supposed to do.

Well I took my pills to start my period (which seemed to take FOREVER to come), then some Chlomid to get my ovaries to produce some eggs, and now Ovidrel to "induce" ovulation. Let me tell you, that many hormones one after another have done QUITE a number on my small body! Mood swings, hot flashes, cramps, not sleeping well, and now my allergies are starting to act up. UGH!

Anyway, my point of this post is to inform you that I have been injected (got a shot right in my tummy) with Ovidrel and the least graphic way of saying it is... It's go time! haha (tmi maybe?) I know most of you have already read my post on Facebook and know this, but just in case there are a few random people out there not on my Facebook who read my blog, I'm letting them know. :)

I go back to the drs next Thursday for a blood test that will determine if the injection did make me ovulate and drop an egg. If so, the following week I return for a pregnancy test! And then their work is done and my "work" begins!

Gosh, I'm SO nervous! I don't know why, I've been through two pregnancies before but this one is different. It's taken MUCH longer to get pregnant and we want it soooo bad. I just feel so much pressure right now. Like we HAVE to get it right. I need to relax and really practice patience now. Maybe I'll use my spa gift certificate Gabe got me for Valentine's Day and get a nice loooong massage. That should calm me down for about a day, right? hah!

Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers that this will be it and we never have to go through this again!

I'm Late

Warning: This may be a TMI kind of post. :)

So I'm late... for my period. Not sure what this means either. For the past eight months, only once has it been late and I was SURE that that would be THE month I was pregnant. Wrong! So now when I actually want my period to come (so I can take the chlomid), it doesn't come! Well, at least not yet. I'm kind of hoping I'm actually pregnant (yay!) or that this will jinx my body into starting (one can only hope).

I took a pregnancy test Saturday morning and it was negative. :( I should have had my period at least 2-3 days ago. (I did say it might be TMI) And now my face suddenly decided to break out like a teenager going through puberty. And it only does that when I'm pregnant! The past few days I've had pain from the back of what feels like my hip bone on my right side down to my knee. My mom says it sounds like a problem with my sciatic nerve which I have heard some pregnant women get. (just the pain I need :/ ) Also, and this could just be my imagination running wild with the thought of being pregnant, I could swear my stomach's been acting loopy today.

If I am pregnant, we would be THRILLED of course. But if I'm not, I would like to body to kindly get it's butt in gear and just start my darn cycle already!!! I have to go back to the dr in Tucson on Thursday and I thought I would be done with my period and on the Chlomid by the time I went back. Looks like that's not happening.

AAAARRRRGGGHHH!!! I just want this to be over so I don't have to constantly question what is going on and IF this will be the magic month. I could have a stomach ache and the first thought in my head is, "Maybe I'm pregnant and this is morning sickness.". Come on! I'm psyching myself out month after month and I'm just plain sick of it.

Big Sigh of Relief

So I posted this earlier in the week venting my frustration over our infertility issues. My, how the tables have turned!

Thursday, Gabe and I made the trek up to Tucson to see a fertility specialist. I was fine until the morning of the appointment when I was a NERVOUS WRECK. We've been through it before but there were so many more emotions this time.

We get to the drs and my first impression of him was... "Ok, he doesn't look like what I was expecting (I don't even know what I was expecting!) but he seems nice.". And lucky for us, he was! In fact, he spent probably a good twenty minutes or so with us asking questions and explaining things to us.

Gabe and I were extremely happy that he never even mentioned artificial insemination or in vitro. Those are two things we do not want to do.

He then did an ultrasound to check out my uterus and ovaries. Everything seemed normal except something about my uterus wall being thinner that it should be at that point in my cycle. They also did a blood test on me (NOT FUN) and then had to test Gabe's swimmers (TMI?). He gave us a prescription to Chlomid , released us, and told us we should have the test results by the end of the day.

Thankfully, they called us just two hours later with the results! Gabe tested excellent (He was EXTREMELY happy about that)! I however, was told that I had not ovulated this month despite our at home ovulation tests saying I did. :( Turns out, I have the LH hormone every month, just not the egg. It was pretty devastating to hear but we were relieved that it's a simple fix.

Now I'm feeling relief that at this time next month, I could be pregnant! But at the same time, I'm feeling upset because I waited so long to go to the dr. I had expected to get pregnant right away like we did with Christian when Gabe came home from Afghanistan. In July, I was certain that I was going to get pregnant that month. Since then, that's the same thing I've been telling myself every month. The ovulation tests I was taking were showing that I was ovulating even though I really wasn't. Money down the drain is what that was! I knew I should have gone to the drs but I'm just so darn stubborn and like to do things myself. Well, we see where that got us! A whole 7 1/2 months WASTED of not getting pregnant!! I could be in my third trimester by now if I had gone right away! Ughhhh, I know I shouldn't blame myself and be getting this upset, but we REALLY REALLY didn't want our kids this far apart in age. No more than 2-3 years was our max. Now we're looking at 4+ years. I could kick myself!

I'll try to end this on a positive note though.... If we're lucky and the Chlomid works on the first try, I will be pregnant VERY soon and be due at the end of October!!!! Seriously, when I think of it, I get soooo giddy and can't stop smiling.

Praying for a Miracle

As I'm sure you're all well aware, Gabe and I have been trying to get pregnant. Obviously, it hasn't happened yet. :(

We're starting to get desperate. That may even be putting it lightly. If we had it our way, we would've had a baby almost a year ago and would be starting to think about trying for #4. Since that hasn't happened, we're having to start thinking of other ways to get pregnant than the "normal" way (tracking ovulation, timing sex, waiting, and testing). No, we've been reduced to having to ask for help.

Yup, that's right. ASK for help. This coming Thursday, the 12th, we're heading to Tucson for some tests. Hopefully, that will help clear up why we're not pregnant and then we can go onto the second step... getting pregnant with the help of drs.

We had to ask for help in getting pregnant with Alena because I never naturally ovulated. I was given Chlomid and boom, a month later I was pregnant! This time however, I DO naturally ovulate and even have regular periods (you really wanted to know that, right?).

We have so many worries about what could be wrong with us or if it's something that we're doing or not doing. So, so frustrating to be in this situation. I could not stand to be those people who try and try for years and years. It. Would. Kill. Me.

Also, (and please don't be offended if you fit into this category) seeing pregnant women EVERYWHERE is just about killing me. Even friends who are pregnant, whether from trying or not. But the ones who don't try and it "just happened" are the ones that REALLY get me! Miss Fertile Myrtles is what I like to refer to them as. And this sounds bad, but the preggos that have just had a baby get to me to. It puts more stress on me than I need right now and it is in part. jealousy too. I have debated a few times about segregating myself from the ones pregnant and/or ones with newborns. Just so I can focus on what we need right now and to get away from some of the stress. That sounds so harsh and I'm sorry, but I'm tired. Tired of trying and not succeeding when it should NOT be this HARD. I'm starting to lose the ability to hold my tongue on certain "hot-button" topics for me. (pregnancy, labor, and breastfeeding being the top 3)

So this is your warning... If I snap and lose my temper or say some things that I should not be saying, I'm sorry. That is my frustration talking and please try to forgive me, OK?