God's Timing

My poor neglected blog!!! I should have been keeping up to date with stuff but it's just been crazy and I needed a break.

(Note: This blog post is written by my emotions. Take it with a grain of salt.)

We are still not pregnant, still trying to get pregnant, and almost out of hope.

I went two months ago and took a dose of Chlomid, had several eggs, but none fertilized. This month we tried a DOUBLE dose. I went in for an ultrasound this morning and nothing. There were a couple of folicles, but way too small. The nurse said they might just be taking their time to mature but the look on her face said to me, "It's not going to happen this month.". She also mentioned about doing Intrauterine insemination (IUI). It only increases your chance by 5% and with us paying out of pocket, we can't afford to pay that much for just a slightly better chance.


(Now, please don't take offense to this next part.)


I understand everyone's comments are coming from a good place and they all mean well and I appreciate the support, I really do. I just can't help my hormones and emotions when I get all the comments of "Its all in God's timing.".


I understand all that, but what about MY timing?! I think waiting for God's timing for 2 1/2 YEARS has been long enough. We had a plan of how many kids we wanted and how close we wanted them. The entire plan has been thrown out the window and we are scrambling to try and come up with another plan we can be happy with. It's not working. If we get pregnant, that's great. But what about having another kid after that? I can't go through another 2+ years of this again.


We just asked ourselves, "What if we can't have more than two?". That's not something I can even think about or want to think about. It's just not an option right now. We're not giving up just yet, but each month that goes by, I want to try less and less.


If I could go back to 2009 and see the future, Gabe would not have gone to Iraq until I was pregnant. Christian was only 13 months when Gabe left so I wasn't super worried about not getting pregnant because I was so sure we would get pregnant on his R&R. It didn't happen and I was soooo sure again that I would get pregnant right after he got home and it would be ok. Well, it's been almost a year and it's not ok anymore.


For anyone who thinks they will be able to get pregnant on the first try or those of you who are wanting to wait to try for a first, second, third, and so on... DON'T!  You may not be able to later on. Just do it.


I'm getting increasingly annoyed at anyone (friends or not) who are getting pregnant at the drop of a hat. Jealousy is a horrible thing, and controlling it is a battle that I am constantly losing. I don't want people to feel sorry for me and I don't want pity. What I want is a baby. MY baby. That's it. 

There are so many people out there that don't even want one, but yet there they are, oops, it just happened. STFU! Come on God! Really?!? Patience for "God's timing" is long gone by now.