Infertility Can Kiss My...

insert explicit word here.

That's where I am right now. You remember me mentioning that we were getting tested on Wednesday to see if we we're pregnant? Well, I'm not.

The first few days after seeing I had five follicles ready to ovulate, I was feeling very hopeful and upbeat about our chances this time. But then it wore off and I started doubting everything. And then the last week I just knew... It was going to be negative.

All my doubts and thoughts were confirmed on Wednesday morning. I started out the morning in an awful mood that just did not get any better. Then, on the car ride up to Tucson, I started to feel cramping in my tummy and pain in my back (the first tell-tale sign that my period has started). Sure enough, I checked in at the dr's and immediately went to the bathroom to discover that I was right. :(

Heartbroken might be a good enough word to describe how I felt. Another month gone, another negative, and another time my body failed me. We went into the exam room and started asking the dr some questions that we've been avoiding. To keep it short, we concluded that a laparoscopy was needed in order to answer for sure if Endometriosis was the problem. Basically, they'll make a small incision in my belly button (of all places), go in and check for Endometriosis, and fix it if needed. I've never had surgery done so I'm a ton bit freaked out.

Meanwhile, the dr told me to take advantage of this month and take Chlomid while we wait for the laparoscopy to be set up.

While we were checking out and setting up the next appt at the front counter, I just couldn't hold back the tears. They started flowing and I couldn't stop them. I had been keeping everything bottled up inside for so long that it just started spilling over uncontrollably. I was looking quite the mess, but I figured if everyone else in the room was there for the same thing, they wouldn't care and probably understood.

I'm OK with the results. Probably because I had a gut feeling that it was negative and therefore already mentally prepared for it.

This Sunday, at church, the Pastor asked if he could pray for Gabe and I. We agreed and even before he called us up to the front of the church, tears were coming. I tried to hold them in (I do not like to cry in front of people) but I just couldn't. So when we were called up, I was sobbing and buried my face in Gabe's chest so I couldn't see anyone else and they couldn't see me. After the service, there were some members of the church (all who we have never spoken to before) came up to us offering words of support and kindness. So sweet! I spent the rest of the day in and out of my crying bouts. I just felt so defeated and worn out. (Holding back tears and then crying them out is tiring!)

What exactly I'm feeling at this moment is hard to describe. There are so many emotions that I go through in a month or even a day. I know most of you don't know how it feels or understand, and that's OK. I'm not expecting everyone to. And I certainly don't expect anyone to pity us, have to say something consoling, or to even care. I just ask for your prayers and your compassion. This is a very touchy subject for me right now. I never thought this would be happening to us and it's so hard to accept. I spent the eight months after Gabe came home in denial. I thought I would be pregnant right away and when that didn't happen, I was surprised. We've been wanting this child for almost three years now. I've had to watch dozens of other women go through pregnancy, childbirth, and taking care of a newborn. Each time, trying to be happy for them and wondering, "When is it my turn?!". I'll be brutally honest, I'm really not happy for them. I'm sorry if that upsets anyone. There are a few people here and there that I am genuinely happy for. Again, it's hard to put into words without sounding so rude and inconsiderate. I don't want people to have to try and hide, keep secret, or shelter me from their pregnancy just because of my infertility. I'm still trying to figure out how to handle others' good news while dealing with my continually bad news. It's a struggle and challenge that I really am trying to solve. Just know that I am trying.

There have been some people who have tried to make me feel better by saying something that they think is helpful, but in reality, that's not the case at all. Don't worry, I'm guilty of the same thing many times. Like telling me "Just be happy that you have two beautiful and healthy children already.". You don't think I'm happy with them?! Of course I'm happy with them! I love them with all my heart but in my heart, I also know that more children are wanted. If you had a car with only two wheels and someone said to you, "Just be happy with the two you have.", would you be satisfied with the two or angry at the person who said that? We are happy with and enjoy our two wonderful kids, but we are not satisfied. We long for more kids. It's just that plain and simple. WE. WANT. ANOTHER. Or two, or three. There are some other things that others have said, but I'm afraid if I go into that, this post will be entirely too long (probably already is).

So there you have it. I just poured out my heart and soul and had a good cry while doing it. For those of you that stuck around until the end, thank you.